The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assholes

Gathered together for the first time ever, our tips on how you can be a more effective asshole:

1. Never respect anyone unless you’re sure they could physically beat you up. This includes your own mother, police officers, teachers, the president, your boss and the Pope.
2. Criticize everything, no matter how mundane or pointless it may be.

“These fries aren’t very fucking crispy!”

3. Always cut people off, whether you’re talking, driving, or having sex.
4. Flick cigarette butts at everything—all the time. Even if you don’t smoke.
5. Call everyone you meet by the nickname “Chief.”
(Always roll your eyes when you say it.)

“Yeah, right, whatever you say Chief!” (ROLLS EYES)

For extra emphasis, roll your eyes, say “Chief” and flick a cigarette butt at the same time.

6. Always precede the word “man” with either “little,” “Mr.,” or “old.”

“I don’t think you needed that skateboard Little Man,
and that’s why I backed over it with my Camaro.”

“So, Old Man, why don’t you get up out of that wheelchair and MAKE ME!?”

“No, I don’t have my license and registration, Mr. Man.

(Notice: This is especially useful when speaking to someone
you know can not beat you up.)

7. Noogie every small child you meet until they cry–including newborn babies.


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